I am SO not ready for this!

So I'm sitting on the bed this afternoon, clipping coupons and minding my own business. I was watching Adoption Story on the DVR, and Pooh and Tink came in and started watching with me. I figured it might be a nice conversation starter if they had any questions about being adopted.

Hah!

Here's a brief synopsis of the conversation:

Tink: Oh, she's so sad! She's the Mom, but she had to give her baby away?

Me: (Simple yet wonderfully profound yet vague explanation) Blah blah blah teenager, blah blah blah married, blah blah blah God, blah blah blah (I hope I'm not scarring you for life or being politically incorrect, but who really cares if I'm politically incorrect, except I hope I'm not being insensitive to the plight of birth mothers...ACK!)

Tink: So she did what God wanted her to do?

Me: Wait...what?

Tink: Well, since she wasn't married, she did the right thing and gave the baby to a Mommy and Daddy who are married?

Me: Well, not always...I mean...blah blah blah...sometimes people who aren't married...uhm, I mean...blah blah blah...not everyone...ACK!

Please note that Big Daddy was in the room but seemingly engrossed in the computer. Pooh participated in the conversation too, but Tink quickly assumed the role of Lead Interrogator.

Tink: So then why did God put the baby in her tummy if she wasn't married?

Me: (Oh crap, here it comes!) Well, God meant for us to...when a Mommy and Daddy get married...except sometimes people don't wait...sometimes teenagers do things only Mommies and Daddies are supposed to do, and that makes a baby. Do you remember when you asked me how the babies get out of the tummy?

Pooh: (whispering) They come out...down there.

Tink: (not whispering) FROM OUR PRIVATES!!!!

Me: Right. So blah blah blah egg...blah blah Daddy...sperm...tadpole...(please don't ask me how it gets in there, please don't ask me how it gets in there, I can Google sperm and show it to her, but I don't want to tell her how it gets in there! I can't do this, PLEEEEEAAAASE) and God makes the baby start growing inside the Mommy.

Tink: Huh. Can I watch Kim Possible now?

Me: You bet your sweet ass you can!**

So later I ask Big Daddy: Did you hear what was going on over there?

BD: Yeah. Good job.

Me: Man, I kept looking your way, and you didn't blink, you didn't glance, you were like a Bubble Shooter computer-game-playing stone! Couldn't you at least give a girl a thumbs up or a grin or cut your eyes or something? Throw me a bone, man!

BD: Yeah. I was afraid if I made any sudden moves, she might start asking me questions, too.

Way to be there for me, Babe!



** I did not say "sweet ass" to my 6-year-old. But I sure thought it.