This cracks me up.

I've visited every state in the bottom third, plus Hawaii. It's like there's an invisible line I couldn't cross or something. We'll have to see what we can do about that, huh?



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The one where Pixar ruins her fun

Humpteen years ago, in like 2002, Big Daddy and I decided that we HAD TO HAVE a hot tub. However, after shopping for hot tubs we were all, "HUH UH! That costs more than a whole trip to Las Vegas! Hey, let's go to Vegas!"

And so we went to Vegas. We didn't have any kids, our bills were low and we were making beaucoup money at the time.

We went to Vegas a lot.

Let's pause for a moment of silence in memory of those days.

Aaaaand let's try to get back on track.

So I was at a garage sale one Saturday morning when I saw a cute pink hot tub. Yes, it was cute. Shut up. It was $100, so I bought it. Didn't know if it worked, but I bought it anyway. And Big Daddy had to go put it in his LITTLE BITTY pickup and bring it home. It was very cute.

And the cute pink hot tub sat on the side of my house for few weeks, and finally our very best friend James said, "Hey, if you don't wanna mess with that hot tub, I'll give ya mine. We don't use it."

SOLD!

So the guys got a flatbed trailer from work, and 4 of 'em went and moved that big blue hot tub from James' house to ours. It's bigger than the cute pink one. It's so big they had to take the fence down on the side of our house just to get it in the back yard.

Where it sat for I Don't Know How Long.

Oh and Mr. Bob from next door bought the cute pink one from us, paid an electrician to hook it up, and it blew up the first time he tried to use it.

We gave him a refund.

Meanwhile, James' big blue hot tub sat in my back yard. We paid an electrician to hook it up, and it worked. We built a deck to put it on, and we bought a cover for it.

But we never filled it up and used it. We are obviously fools.

Then in 2004 James passed away, and I vowed never to let the big blue hot tub go. Because I am sentimental like that.

But we still never used it. For those of you keeping score, it's been in my back yard for over 5 years.

So finally, now we're re-doing our patio and thought we'd better make sure the hot tub still works, and maybe, OH I DON'T KNOW, USE IT.

Which brings us to today, dear reader.

Big Daddy opened up the hot tub to clean it, and there's a colony of ants living in it. BIG ONES. Very ambitious and hard workers, too. We're spraying 'em down and they're climbing back up, and we're spraying 'em down and they're climbing back up. Of course, we're just using water, cause getting into a hot tub with eau de ant spray is not my idea of relaxation.

So we're fighting the Hot Tub Battle with a high-pressure water sprayer and a wet-vac. Just barely winning. And all I can think of is movies like A Bug's Life and Antz, and wonder what the little bitty guys are talking about as I knock 'em back down into the pool of despair.

"Here comes another wave! Run, save yourself!"
"I'm not leaving you behind!"

It's disconcerting, is what it is. Thanks a bunch, Pixar, y'all fun ruiners.

So I came inside to write about it while Big Daddy finished up the job. He just came in and said, "When I filled it up and turned on the jets, black clouds of ants shot out of the jets."

I said, "Was it cool?"

"Yeah." I bet he doesn't care what those little guys are thinking. And neither will I once our Saharan summer ends and I sit out there in James' big blue hot tub.

Warning: Absolutely Too Much Information

Big Daddy (coming out of the restroom): Wow, no more jalapenos for a while.

Me: Did it burn?

BD: It still is. I almost wish I had a bidet, to give it a little squirt.

Tinkerbell (oblivious): Maybe a squirt of ketchup.

BD and I just stare at her.

Tink: Well, you put ketchup on your mac and cheese.

The child is so obviously clueless. God knew we'd need comic relief up in this madhouse.

Random-y Goodness

For those of you who were just dying to know, our get-together last night went well. My headache never got very bad, Praise God. It was just enough to whine about.

The gathering we had last night was actually an AdvoCare Mixer. Big Daddy and I have begun taking AdvoCare nutritional products, and in about 2 weeks he's lost over 20 pounds and I've lost 9. And we feel so much better! No, I'm not gonna be proselytizing on my blob (too much), but if you would like to know more, just send me an e-mail.

In other news, I've written a scathing post about John & Kate Plus 8 over at Dirty Laundry News and Reviews. I'd love to know your thoughts!

And finally, please remind me that I need to take some photos of the cute little curtains I made for the built-in cabinet in our living room. I love them.

I believe that's all for today.

Carry on.

I'm just a mess.

So we're having some people over tonight, and I have house cleaning to do in preparation for said guests. We actually spent last night in the living room, fine tuning and moving things around, so I have less to do than I thought.

But. I still need to make a sweep through the kitchen, because we are clutter bugs over here and there's crap sitting on every surface. All the dishes are clean, but the groceries? They are all over the place.

I haven't been very motivated to do anything yet, but I'm not worried about it because I'm a last-minute girl and I typically get 80% of my list done in the end. And since my goal is usually absolute perfection, 80% is great.

Hey, Lori, will you get to the point please? Cause we'd like there to be a point.

Fine. Here it is. Big Daddy's gone and I'm sitting here watching HGTV, trying to get inspired to attack the kitchen. I know when he gets home he's gonna wonder why I haven't done much. Or anything.

And then I start getting a migraine headache. You know what my first thought was? Oh good, now I can tell him I haven't done it yet because of the migraine and I won't be lying.

Y'all, I am clearly insane.

Let me clarify that my migraines are minor compared to the misery that most people with migraines endure. But still, I can't see very well and when I bend over my head feels like it might explode just a little.

So I get a migraine and instead of being sad or upset about it, I'm just glad I have a reason to lay around. Oh! OH! And I take time to write a blog post about it, too!

Don't you think I'm just rip roarin' crazy?

7 Burning Questions

I saw this meme at Musings of a Housewife absolutely HUNDREDS of years ago, and thought I'd better save it for a rainy day.

Today, my friends, is that day. Raining outside? Not so much. But raining in my brain? Unfortunately.

So without further ado, let's move into the retarded workings of my raining mind.

1. If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would it be and why?

Chocolate, obviously. And I need something salty to go with it. How about bacon? Yeah, that's even a protein!

2. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

My friend Shantel and I decided long ago that we would love to be spoiled Yorkies, owned by a rich crazy woman. Now that's gotta be the life!

3. If you could only describe yourself using three words, what three words would you use?

Loyal, emotional...

Here's where I asked Big Daddy for some help.

He said caring and loyal.

Tinkerbell, who's 7, said pants (I'm not sure she understands the question), dancing, making music by using your hands and moving around and exercising, running, action (now I'm sure she doesn't understand), wild (maybe she does get it).

and

Pooh, 8, said pretty, lovable, kindness

4. If you could be a super hero, who would you be and why?

I used to want to be Fire Girl in the Saturday morning cartoons, but I don't think that's her actual name. You know, I think there was Aqua Man, Fire Girl and Ice Guy?

These days, though, I think I'd like to be Money Falls Out Of Her Ears Girl.

5. What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you?

No way, dude.

6. What is one of your biggest pet peeves and why?

I'm too peevish for this to be one of the biggest, but it's on my mind for some reason. When I worked in retail, people would come up to ask the price on something, and if we couldn't find it right away, they'd say, "Well I guess it's free then!" Yeah, I hate that.

7. Out of red, green, blue, yellow and orange which one is your favorite color?

Red.

If you chose red what is one of your favorite hobbies?

If you chose green what is your favorite place?

If you chose blue what is one favorite memory?

If you chose yellow what is your dream job?

If you chose orange it’s a wildcard and you can tell us anything about yourself!

Well, my very favorite hobby used to be gambling. Yep, playing the cards and throwin' the dice and pulling the handles on those machines. In Vegas, preferably, but Louisiana would do in a pinch. Or NM or CA. But having children changed all that. SOB. I haven't gambled in eleventy years.

Another of my hobbies is reading; mostly fluff and junk. And just the other day I made a pitiful little rag rug, which I'm hoping will be a hobby that improves. And I want to make a rag quilt, too.

So. I think I'll tag YOU! And anyone else who wants to. Just leave me a note in comments to let me know you played.

It's Alzheimer's, all the time.

We're laying around on the bed, watching the HGTV, and Scooter asked me to rub her feet. Which I did willingly.

I couldn't really deny her the pleasure, since I guilt one or two girls into rubbing my feet almost every night. I'm shameless.

In fact, I just thought, "Hey, I'm cramping my fingers up rubbing the Scooter feet; why don't I have Pooh rub my feet at the same time?"

But what I said was, "Now Pooh, you need to brush my teeth."

She got off the bed and just stood there staring at me. Until I realized what I had said.

You know what's sad, y'all? I do this at least once a day, often more, this talking like I'm in the middle of a stroke. My family has had lots of practice in interpreting my mad ramblings, but how sad?

Do you do this? What's the weirdest thing you've said, or if your memory's like mine, just the most recent?

Come on, spill your guts. Don't leave me hangin' over here with my crazy self.

Wow, I've been a slacker.

Yeah, so I didn't post all week, huh? Let's see if I can give you the highlights reel; here are some things that made me happy this week.

Have I mentioned that my cousin's family is moving to the area VERY soon? Yeah, I'm excited. I feel sorry for them, moving from wonderful New Braunfels in the Texas Hill Country, to busy, hectic Dallas. But hey, it works for me so I'm sure they'll get over it! They have two girls and we're looking forward to having family to hang with.

On Wednesday I got up at 7:00a with Big Daddy, and then when he left for work, I went back to sleep until 11:30. While my kids ate cereal and watched Regis and Kelly. Mother of the year, that's me!

Tuesday night we didn't turn on the TV. Instead, we played every song on our MP3 players and watched the girls dance. Oh, and we sang badly. We're talking Disco, Rock, Country, and Christian. Then we talked for 24 hours about how fun it was. Cause it was.

And the highlight of the week, my peeps? Our very good friends adopted their little girl yesterday morning.

T and K were licensed as foster parents at the end of 2006, and on February 5, 2007, Baby Girl came into their family at 3 days old. I met this precious angel for the first time when she was 5 days old, and it was love at first sight! And now after 17 months, some of it uncertain but all of it wonderful, she is legally their daughter.

I don't post about adoption as often as I'd like because I'm guilty of wanting everything I say about it to be profound and moving. But today I'll just put it very bluntly.

Baby Girl was very lucky to get placed with a loving family at birth. My girls were in a shelter. That's like an orphanage, people. It's 24-hour daycare and you never get picked up. When I get stressed or annoyed I think about them there, going to sleep in a dorm room, not knowing what the next day would bring. And I thank God for letting us find each other.

Foster adoption rocks, y'all. Don't forget that there are humpteen grillions of children HERE in our United States who need forever families.

It's a wonder I get anything done.

11:45 Place Advocare order

11:55 Oh, hey, I need to balance the checkbook and transfer some funds so that order will actually go through as opposed to bouncing all over Texas.

12:00 You know what? I'd better text my Advocare guy and make sure he understood my rattled ramblings.

12:01 OOH look, Redneck Diva just Twittered! What's she up to?

12:02 Wander around Twitter for awhile

12:08 Okay, okay, back to the checkbook

12:10 WOW, I need to go to the bathroom.

12:11 "Tinkerbell! Come get your shoes out of my bathroom!"

12:13 "SHUT THE DOOR!"

12:15 Out of the bathroom. "Hey, Big Daddy, I think I'm gonna eat your Oreos. By the way, where's your blood sugar food list from the doctor?"

12:16 Read Lifestyle Changes to decrease Cholesterol/Triglycerides and wonder what the chances are that we'll actually follow it.

12:20 Doorbell rings

12:21 Big Daddy brings in a package. "What did you buy now?"

12:22 I open up my package from Buy.com. It's a mini-SD card for my phone and two tiny little Bluetooth headsets. One for me and one for BD. Yes, I already had one, but the new one is so tiny and cute!

12:23 OOH, let's check out these Bluetooths! (Blueteeth?)

12:23 Resist urge to open mini-SD card and put it in my phone, so I can finally put MP3s on there.

Are extra points awarded for resisting urges? Cause I think I should get points for not opening the SD card yet.

12:30 Have I checked Scooter's temp lately? I'd better do that. Right now, of course. (Scooter was running a fever yesterday and is still puny.)

12:37 Hey, I think I'll post about how dysfunctional I am.

Not finished:

Balancing the checkbook
Transferring funds

All over my bed:

Bluetooth debris
Checkbook
Calculator
Pencil
Hangers
Purse
Remote Control
ME
Two kids
One dog

Now what was I supposed to be doing?

Here's your laugh for the day.

Okay, so I saw this hilarious video over at The Pioneer Woman today. I completely love it, and on the off chance that there's anyone in the free world who don't visit her blog, I'm posting the video here for your viewing pleasure.

Seriously. You have got to check this kid out. (And I know that's poor grammar, but it's late and I don't want to figure out the proper way to say it. Just look at the video, dang it.)

You can't make this crap up.

Yeah, so we're sitting here watching So You Think You Can Dance (which I just don't feel like reviewing tonight).

I've manipulated two of my girls into giving me foot rubs by letting them stay up late and watch the show. Tink suddenly looks down her top and grimaces.

"Mommy, there's a dead fly in my nightgown and I need to go get a tissue to get it out."

"WHAT?"

"I killed a fly in my nightgown and I forgot to get it out."

"WHAT?!? Go Get It Out!"

She goes into the bathroom and we laugh at her while she's gone. I immediately open the laptop to exploit my child and her fly situation. And then she peeks out of my bathroom door.

"Momma, fly juice is on my nightgown and I just don't know what to do."

Insane laughter from the bed.

"Yeah, it's black, and I don't wanna wear this nightgown anymore."

Hidden cameras would be a great idea up in this joint.